Thinking how they would be feeling right now, did they eat? Did they brush their teeth good enough? You know when you’re a mother you think all of these things even if you don’t want to it’s almost like an automatic switch going ON in your head. Today schools have officially started again and it could be that I’m in my feelings about that. Honestly I don’t really know it’s just so much emotions and thoughts going through my mind.
My biological father’s deteriorating health issues has been one of the reasons why I had to travel abroad and my kids had to stay behind with their biological father (even though he never was interested to be in their lives, only when he’s obligated to). Also do I know that I have made a mistake with (my actions/dealing with this situation) with my eldest son who is currently eleven years old which I’m deeply sorry about. We have had some troubles with him regarding his behaviour for several years now. Not knowing how to help him and hoping we as a family can get a therapist.
Since September 2021 until today January 2022 these past few months has been a rollercoaster mentally and emotionally. Continuing with my last paragraph.. After the emotional shower both my partner and I went to the kitchen to prepare something to eat. He made tortillas filled with cheese and ham, sliced avocados topped with his special sauce diced tomatoes, onions and olives he added a bit of olive oil too. Then he poured coffee and milk into my sister’s christmas mug. Breakfast and coffee was wonderful! Thank you love♥️
After having breakfast and coffee I was thinking but at the same time I wasn’t. My mind was very far and as I was listening to my current favorite podcast Reddit Explains Conspiracy & Controversy, and The Unknown. Then we switched to another podcast 24Ora which is an Aruban live news podcast. I started to cry soon after this I went to wash the dishes I started to cry again. I sat down to keep watching news podcast I started to cry again.
I remember how bad I was doing in the month of September and the months after that. My eating and sleeping habits had changed I cried all the time. I cried at work, bathroom break, at home, after seeing my kids, as I’m writing this post.. Many times my partner had to shake me out of the sad moment.
Often enough I rather ignore my feelings, thoughts and bad memories. I suppress my feelings and rather not feel anything so I won’t have to cry over it. I learned this is a bad habit because as humans our feelings are valid, the importance of feeling what you are feeling and often it’s important to cry and be sad. As mothers many times we don’t receive emotional or moral support from people closest to you, being a mother is HARD. Some days are more difficult than others but you try always to do the best you can for yourself and your kids.
This year is gonna define a lot and decisions are gonna be made, change is already here and there’s so much that has yet to be done.
I ask God and the universe to grant me with serenity, heal my pain, wisdom, positivity and much love to overcome this.